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ONLY NOISE explores music fandom with poignant personal essays that examine the ways we\u2019re shaped by our chosen soundtrack. This week, Tawny Lara<\/a> navigates sobriety with a reminder from a musician who lost his battle with addiction.<\/em><\/p>\n

May 18th marks two years since the world lost Chris Cornell. The frontman for Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, and Audioslave had openly discussed his struggle with substance abuse, depression, and panic attacks that started when he was 14. He had been sober for thirteen years before relapsing, just months before his suicide. <\/span>Cornell shared about his addiction in a now infamous 2006 Spin<\/em> interview<\/a>:<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u201cAt first [alcohol led me] to prescription medication and then to pretty much everything. I\u2019d had several years of being in control of my alcoholism. I was pretty reliable; I took care of business. And then when my personal life got out of hand, I just got loaded. So I went through a couple of years of depression again. I didn\u2019t eat, I drank a lot, I started taking pills, and at some point you just get sick of it. I was pretty sure that nothing like that would ever happen to me. Then I ended up having as bad a problem as anyone\u2019s going to have and still be alive. So I realized I\u2019m not special. I\u2019m just like everybody else.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Cornell’s quote resonated with me on a personal level. I didn\u2019t know it at the time, but my sophomore year would be my last traditional year of high school. I passed out in science class from a near overdose on Xanax and Hydrocodone and got expelled during junior year. My father (a heavy metal musician) was in and out of my life at the time, dealing with his own depression and alcohol abuse. My mother (his former groupie\/music trivia aficionado) was there physically but preoccupied with her own mental demons. I was an only child who desperately needed guidance, and I settled for drugs instead. I went on to abuse drugs and alcohol for fifteen more years. I finally got clean at age 30, documenting my entire journey along the way on my blog, SobrieTeaParty<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

In my first few months of sobriety, I experienced what\u2019s called a \u201cpink cloud\u201d – life at a higher frequency. Colors were brighter, sounds were louder, feelings were stronger. I remember calling my dad, who\u2019s now sober, asking him if he\u2019d experienced these sensations, too. True to his heavy metal roots he said, \u201cYeah… it\u2019s like life is turned up to 11!\u201d We laughed, on the same sober journey together.<\/span><\/p>\n

In my sobriety, drug-related deaths began affecting me differently. Scott Weiland died on his tour bus in 2015, five days after I quit drinking. He was 48. When I heard the news, I grabbed my heart. It felt like someone had stuck a pin in it. I couldn’t stop thinking, This could have been prevented<\/i>. I envisioned Weiland’s lifeless body on his tour bus. For the first time in years, I thought about when I passed out in science class. I felt the gravity of that situation, realizing that I almost died, too. That feeling returned when I heard the news of Chris Cornell\u2019s suicide in 2017. This could have been prevented.<\/i> That familiar ache came back just two months later, when Chester Bennington, the 41-year old lead singer of Linkin Park and Cornell\u2019s close friend, took his own life on what would have been Cornell\u2019s 53rd birthday. This could have been prevented.<\/i> Bennington was the godfather to Cornell\u2019s son; he also sang \u201cHallelujah\u201d during Cornell\u2019s eulogy. These people – these young<\/em> people – were dying because of addiction and mental health issues. Through therapy and support groups, I was able to identify and work through the reasons I drank and drugged in the first place. Once I understood my own mental health issues, I could finally understand mental health and addiction on a macro level.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In addition to hearing and seeing things differently, sobriety also helped me relate to art on a deeper level. The lyrics to Audioslave\u2019s 2005 hit, \u201cDoesn\u2019t Remind Me\u201d suddenly made sense to me. Around this time, I was struggling with something I learned was called \u201csober firsts\u201d – experiencing activities all over again, one day at a time, without drugs or alcohol. I wondered what life would look like when it came to dating, going to a concert, and dealing with my family during the holidays. My wondering led to extreme anxiety and complete avoidance. So, I found happiness in the present moment – simple things like enjoying the scenic route to the A train, establishing \u201cthe usual\u201d at the same few restaurants, and going home right after work to enjoy downtime. The lyrics to \u201cDoesn\u2019t Remind Me\u201d are about finding pleasure in mundane activities to avoid thinking about the heavier things in life. Or maybe this is what I need <\/i>those words to mean. <\/span><\/p>\n

The lyrical structure to \u201cDoesn\u2019t Remind Me\u201d follows a basic formula: \u201cI like ______ and ______ \u2019cause it doesn\u2019t remind me of anything.\u201d Cornell sings these lines in a calm, melodic manner, allowing the listener to relax with him as he lists the things he likes to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI like colorful clothing in the sun
\nCause it doesn\u2019t remind me of anything
\nI like hammering nails and speaking in tongues
\nCause it doesn\u2019t remind me of anything\u201d<\/p>\n