<\/p>\n

If you haven\u2019t noticed, the past couple of months have seen Eminem emerge from his private life – one I imagine as a healthy balance of dysfunctional family time and sitting in dark corners thinking of puns – to voice his contempt for our country\u2019s governing body via a trail of singles, ending with his first studio album in four years, <\/span>Revival. <\/span><\/i>Despite the 45-year-old rapper\u2019s most well-meaning(?) attempts at woke-ness and personal reflection, it\u2019s pretty much a general consensus that the album is an over-commercialized political piece at best and a bloated shitshow at worst. However, as a (metro) Detroit-native who grew up on Slim Shady, it\u2019s pretty much a requirement for me to hold an allegiance to him, even in his darkest hour. Which is why, instead of sharing my personal thoughts on the album, I decided to highlight some of the sickest burns from music journalists across the internet, aimed at the diss-master himself. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It should come as no surprise that the most scathingly brutal, yet not untrue, review came from <\/span>Pitchfork<\/span><\/i><\/a>. The cool kids who crown themselves \u201cthe most trusted voices in music\u201d really know how to hit a guy where it hurts – and make everyone agree with them. Rap contributor <\/span>Matthew Ismael Ruiz<\/b><\/a> gave the record a stinging 5.0, unimpressed by what he deems \u201coverwhelmingly bland hooks\u201d and \u201ccringe-worthy humor.\u201d Ouch, Matthew! What hurts even more is… he\u2019s not wrong. The clever wordplay that Mathers is known for crosses into really distasteful dad-joke territory with lines like, \u201c<\/span>I\u2019m swimming in that Egyptian river, \u2019cause I\u2019m in denial\u201d on \u201cNeed Me.\u201d Why, Marshall? Why? \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ruiz closes with a dig at the record\u2019s recurring theme of self-doubt: \u201cThough it\u2019s easy to empathize with his creeping self-doubt, it\u2019s tougher to swallow in the context of an album that ultimately proves that those doubts are correct.\u201d So much for not listening to the voices inside your head.<\/span><\/p>\n

The <\/span>New York Times<\/span><\/i><\/a>, <\/span><\/i>who I would normally expect to be a bit more subtle with its abhorrence of a subject, was not shy about loathing <\/span>Revival. <\/span><\/i>The second writer to describe Mathers\u2019 try at a heart-wrenching patriotic ballad \u201cLike Home\u201d as \u201ctoothless,\u201d <\/span>J<\/span>on Carmanica also unleashes his wrath on Eminem\u2019s dry puns. \u201cWhat has long felt like extreme facility with language is beginning to feel like an uncontrolled fire hose,\u201d writes Carmanica, who continues to elaborate on Mathers\u2019 degenerating lyricism with the song \u201cFramed.\u201d \u201cThe song is both excellent and reprehensible,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>a reminder of how sui generis Eminem felt at the beginning of his career, and how poorly he has aged.\u201d Not everyone can be a fine wine. <\/span><\/p>\n

While Ruiz and Carmanica slay Shady with intellectual insight and polished rhetoric, I really have to give the creativity crown to Brian Josephs of <\/span>Spin.<\/span><\/i><\/a> The common thread that binds the three writers is a shared disapproval for Mathers\u2019 tired pun-game. Josephs asserts that \u201cnearly every punchline winds up feeling as forced as a stranger sparking a conversation at a urinal.\u201d I could say that, as a woman, I don\u2019t know what that feels like, but I\u2019d be lying. Anyway, Josephs further solidifies his descriptive genius by coining \u201cNeed Me\u201d a \u201cvomitous sonic Crayola mess,\u201d thereby raising the bar of shit-talking as I know it. <\/span><\/p>\n

However, probably the cringiest display of public slander is Eminem\u2019s <\/span>own description<\/span><\/a> of his songwriting process, given to NPR\u2019s Michael Martin. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I’m writing, sometimes an idea or a line will pop in my head, and I’ll be like, \u2018Yo, that thought is messed up.\u2019 And I either laugh to myself or I say, \u2018You know what? That might be just going too far.\u2019 \u00a0So, have I ever took it too far? I probably have, who knows?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

What we do<\/em> know is that despite all of these merciless reviews, Eminem remains\u00a0<\/span>the\u00a0<\/span>best-selling hip-hop artist<\/span><\/a> of all time (and Billboard reported yesterday that Revival is likely to follow suit<\/a>), so he probably \u201cJust Don\u2019t Give A F*ck<\/a>\u201d what we think.<\/span><\/p>\n